I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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