I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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