You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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