Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
They have beer where we have blood.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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