apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
