We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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