I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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