True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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