its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
we should paint friendship bongs
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