someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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