I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
