what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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