Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
