Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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