I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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