I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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