I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
we're chasing vodka with high fives
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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