I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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