I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
