I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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