I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
