I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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