I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
