Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
