I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
