fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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