Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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