I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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