Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
