I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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