I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
we're so committed to being not committed
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
