she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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