this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
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I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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