Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
