I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
