I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
