I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Boobs speak an international language.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
