so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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