her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
