Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
