meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
