I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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