I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
