No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
