So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
