Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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