What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
