The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
