i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
