she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
