if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Randomize
