i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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