They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
