No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
