Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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