dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
