Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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