i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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