I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
