Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i've created a new STD.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
