I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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